Kurt's Notes
by gabiiikayyy
Summary: Kurt has a huge crush on the guy that lives in the apartment across from him, but since he can't speak, he leaves his crush notes every morning, hoping that one day they'll finally meet.


[UPDATE: Quite a few people are saying that this should be continued to explain what happened after Kurt's death, but I wanted the story to end exactly like that, like a cliffhanger, and you'll have to guess what happens afterwards. So no, there won't be another part explaining what happened afterwards.]

[TRIGGER WARNING: I know this will turn a lot of people of, but there is major character death at the end.]

Every morning Kurt leaves the beautiful boy who lives across the hallway from him a note underneath his door, a note that has the words Kurt wishes he could say to him. Kurt doesn't have a voice of his own, and he knows he'll never be able to talk to the boy who lives across from him, so he hopes his notes speak for him. He hopes his notes brighten the boy's day, if that's the least he can do.

Kurt was born without a voice, and his entire life has been a struggle. Communicating is difficult, and he ends up using his hands to point to what he wants, or using his head to answer easy yes and no questions. The only job he could get was stocking the shelves of a local superstore, slinking away if he sees a customer approaching. That's what he always does. He always forces himself to fade into the background, just struggling to get through his lonely life.

There's nothing for him back at home. He doesn't have a family anymore; he doesn't have anyone in his life. All he has is the different worlds he creates in his mind, the worlds he likes to let loose through his fingers and into a computer keyboard, worlds that allow him to have a voice of his own. He loves escaping into his own worlds, creating his own stories, letting his voice break through. Digital words on bright screens is the only way he can communicate.

But Kurt desperately wants to break out of his lonely life; he wants someone he can spend time with, someone who will understand him even though he cannot speak. He wants someone to talk to him and make him laugh. He wants someone who can make him smile and always get his heart pumping.

He wants the boy who lives across from him.

But he's never met him before. He's never bumped into him in the hallway. He doesn't even know his name. Kurt has only seen him through his peephole. Sometimes he hears him opening and closing his apartment door, and Kurt rushes to his peephole to get a glimpse of him. Every time Kurt sees him his heart beats fast and he holds his breath. He'd do anything for those amber eyes to look into his.

But Kurt knows that will never happen.

Each day drags on, long shifts at the local superstore that stretch from the late morning and into the evening, dinners spent alone on a stained couch with a TV that rarely works, nights spent alone in bed wide awake, knowing that the next day isn't going to be any different from the previous. Kurt's life is like a soundless, broken record, spinning on the same track continuously.

But then one night Kurt hears his voice through the door. Sometimes Kurt will hear him on the phone as he leaves his apartment, but this time he's laughing, and there's someone else with him.

Kurt gets out of bed and goes over to the peephole, but his heart completely shatters when he sees what's on the other side.

The guy he thinks he's in love with is with someone else, pressed against his apartment door, laughing into some other guy's mouth. They kiss for a few more moments before Kurt's love pulls the guy into his apartment. And then the door closes.

Kurt presses his back against his door, and he can't help it and falls into quiet tears. He should have known he'd never get that guy. Who would want to be with a quiet nobody like him? No one's ever going to want him. No one's ever going to fall in love with him.

Kurt feels his heart split open, and he cries until his tears eventually put him to sleep at the base of his door.

* * *

A few weeks go by.

Kurt knows that he doesn't have the slightest chance with that guy, but that doesn't stop him from leaving his notes. He still leaves him a new note each day. It makes him feel as though he's part of that guy's life. It makes him feel as though he has a friend he can talk to every day.

But then one day everything changes.

One Saturday afternoon, Kurt heads out to do some grocery shopping. He is about to lock his apartment door when he hears someone coming down the hall. He looks up and his heart skips when he sees it's the guy he's in love with. Kurt's heart starts thundering and he stays glued where he stands.

The guy looks at Kurt and gives him a smile. Kurt's still in shock, but it fades enough so he can try to smile back.

"Hey," the guy says. "I don't think I've ever met you before. You live across from me?"

Kurt nods and prays that his pounding heart can't be heard.

"I can't believe I've never seen you before," the guy says. "I'm Blaine."

Kurt nods, wishing he had a voice so he can talk back to the beautiful boy in front of him.

Blaine notices Kurt isn't saying anything and gives him a funny look.

"What's your name?"

Kurt does what he usually does when someone questions why he isn't saying anything back. He points to his mouth and shakes his head. Blaine's face softens as it sinks in.

"You can't talk?"

Kurt nods solemnly.

"Oh." Blaine's gaze shifts away from Kurt. "I'm sorry."

But then Kurt gets an idea. He knows how he can communicate with Blaine. He darts into his apartment to grab a pen and notebook and quickly scrawls down _my name is Kurt._ He shows it to Blaine and his eyes scan it. He looks up at Kurt and gives him a small smile.

"It's nice to meet you, Kurt."

But Blaine leans in closer and examines Kurt's handwriting, because he notices something familiar about it. The way his handwriting is tall and squished, he's seen it before, many times before, about every day.

And then it clicks.

"Wait a minute." Blaine unlocks his apartment and rushes into his kitchen. He pulls open one of his kitchen drawers, the drawer he keeps all of the notes he finds in front of his apartment door every morning. He takes one out and brings it back out to where Kurt is standing. He unfolds it and compares it to Kurt's handwriting.

It's the exact same handwriting.

Blaine gives Kurt a strange look. "I get these notes every morning, and I have no idea who's sending me them. Your handwriting—it's like exactly the same." He pauses and looks Kurt directly in the eyes. "Are you the one giving me these?"

Kurt feels his face flush. His eyes fall to the floor and he nods.

Blaine's eyes widen when he discovers that the quiet boy across the hall has been leaving him these notes.

"They're really sweet, Kurt. They make my day every time I read them."

Kurt lifts his eyes and Blaine smiles at him. Blaine realizes Kurt has a huge crush on him, but he doesn't bring that up. Instead he says, "We should hangout sometime. Maybe go out for some drinks. I work down at the bar, so I can get us a discount."

Kurt smiles and writes _I would love that._

Blaine's smile widens. "Good. Maybe I'll slip a note underneath your door sometime this week." He winks before going inside his apartment, leaving Kurt almost breathless.

And Blaine does leave a note for Kurt a few days later, a note that says_ meet me at the bar at 10 tonight. _Kurt feels like his heart has wings.

He meets Blaine at the bar, a pad of paper and a pen in his pocket. They sit close together on two stools and spend a couple hours drinking and getting to know each other. Kurt learns that Blaine is in graduate school for history, and Blaine learns that Kurt is writing a novel. He asks Kurt about his novel, and Kurt writes that he'll let Blaine be the first to read it when it's done.

They walk home together, their sides occasionally brushing together, and Kurt resists the urge to take Blaine's hand in his. They head up the steps of their apartment building to their floor and wave goodbye before going into their separate apartments.

The next day Kurt is so high on energy. He decides to take a walk down to the library with his flash drive to write his novel. He sits down at his favorite computer, one that is close to the back of the library, isolated from everyone, and continues to write. He continues his story about a quiet boy who falls in love with the boy who lives across the hall from him.

* * *

They hang out a few times a week, sometimes going out to the bar or to grab something to eat; other times they visit each other's apartments and hangout for a few hours, talking and making each other smile. Kurt always brings a pad of paper and a pen so he can communicate with Blaine, and Blaine has started to learn sign language so he can communicate with Kurt better. They always have fun when they hangout, and Blaine always makes Kurt smile and feel good about himself.

One night as they're walking home from a late night at the bar, Kurt gathers up the courage to take Blaine's hand in his. He quickly grabs Blaine's hand and holds it in his, hoping Blaine won't pull away.

And he doesn't.

Blaine lets Kurt hold his hand even though he isn't used to holding hands. He's been with people before, but he's never been in a relationship. That's something he can't do. But he lets Kurt hold his hand because he knows how lonely Kurt is. He knows he's Kurt's only friend.

They hold hands as they make their way up to the fourth floor. Blaine turns to Kurt when they stop between their apartment doors. "Would you like to come in for a little?" he asks. Kurt squeezes his hand and nods with a smile.

Blaine leads Kurt into his apartment and they sit down at the kitchen table like they usually do. "Would you like some water?" Blaine asks. Kurt nods and his eyes follow Blaine as he gets up and fills a tall glass with tap water. He hands it to Kurt and Kurt thanks him with a smile.

Blaine stares at Kurt for a few moments, watching his big blue eyes shift from the glass to him, watching Kurt's lips spread into a smile along the rim of the glass. He keeps his eyes firmly locked on Kurt's rosy lips stretched apart. He really likes Kurt and knows that Kurt has liked him for a long time, ever since he admitted to be the one leaving him those notes every morning. He wants to know how it would feel to kiss Kurt.

So Blaine presses his palms against the table and leans in to seal his lips with Kurt's. At first Kurt is still, but then he relaxes and struggles to kiss him back. Kurt's inexperience sends Blaine the signal that this is his first time kissing someone, and when Kurt accidentally bites Blaine's lip he pulls away. Kurt blushes and looks down at the table.

"It's okay, Kurt. That was still nice."

Kurt's small frown turns up into a smile.

"Was it nice for you too?"

Kurt nods and reaches into his pocket for his pad of paper. He writes _I don't know how to kiss. You're my first._

Blaine smiles. He's had so much experience with this, has been with so many people, and he loves how innocent and pure Kurt is. But he's never been anyone's first kiss, he's never been anyone's first time, and he would love to be Kurt's first, only if Kurt will let him.

"I can teach you." He takes Kurt's hand. "Only if you want me to."

Kurt nods and lets Blaine lead him over to the bed. Blaine spreads Kurt out underneath him and straddles his hips. He slowly leans in and seals their lips together, kissing Kurt gently at first, wanting him to warm up to it.

Kurt keeps his hands glued to his sides, hesitant to reach out and touch Blaine, even though he desperately wants to. He's just so scared he's going to do something wrong. He's never been this physically close to someone. His heart is beating a mile a minute and he hopes that Blaine doesn't feel him trembling beneath him. He's so nervous, but he still feels comfortable with Blaine.

Blaine kisses Kurt for a while, concentrating on his lips at first. He breaks away to his neck, placing gentle kisses against the side of it, stopping for a moment to glance up at Kurt to see if he's enjoying it. Kurt's eyes are closed and his mouth is pulled into a slight smile.

Blaine returns to Kurt's sweet lips and he kisses him some more. Kurt finally starts to kiss him back, getting better and better with every kiss.

Blaine breaks his lips away from Kurt's and looks into his eyes. He's never done this with someone he knows. He only sleeps with strangers who mean nothing to him. He really likes Kurt and would love to sleep with him. He just hopes he doesn't hurt Kurt. He hopes Kurt doesn't want anything more out of him other than friendship.

Blaine pushes a loose piece of hair away from Kurt's forehead and asks, "Can I fuck you?"

Kurt feels his heart skip a beat. His eyes widen and he hesitates a few moments before nodding his head.

Blaine feels his heart skip. "Are you sure?"

Kurt nods again. His heart has never beaten this fast before.

Blaine kisses and caresses Kurt a little longer, treating him differently than the other guys he has been with. He usually just dives into sex, but not with Kurt. Kurt's special, and he wants this to be special for Kurt.

Blaine kisses Kurt once more before slipping Kurt's shirt over his head and throwing it over the side of the bed. His hands begin to work on undoing Kurt's jeans and he digs his fingers underneath the waistband. He feels Kurt's muscles tense up and him go completely still. Blaine pulls Kurt's jeans and underwear off his hips and mumbles, _"Relax."_

Kurt watches Blaine's eyes take in his body, and without a word Blaine sheds his own clothes. "Just pinch me if you want to stop," he says. "And I promise we will."

Kurt nods and watches Blaine reach into his bedside drawer. Kurt takes in deep, slow breaths, trying to ease his speeding heart. He's so scared and excited at the same time. He closes his eyes and hears Blaine say again, "Just let me know if you want to stop."

Kurt braces himself, and even though it hurts, he doesn't pinch Blaine. The pain gradually fades away and pleasure takes over, and it's the most amazing feeling Kurt has ever experienced. He holds Blaine close and doesn't let go until it's over and they're both lying next to each other on their backs.

Blaine looks over at Kurt, his hands resting on his stomach, eyes concentrated on the ceiling. He places his hand on Kurt's and says, "Are you okay?"

Kurt looks over at him and nods, keeping his eyes focused on Blaine's.

Blaine stares back at him. "Was it good for you?"

Kurt nods and smiles a little.

"Good." Blaine removes his hand from Kurt's and his eyes return to the ceiling.

Blaine never spends the night with anyone he's slept with. He doesn't plan on letting Kurt stay the night, but he decides to let Kurt lie in bed with him for a little longer. It's kind of nice just lying next to him, listening to him breathe, occasionally glancing over at him and taking in how the incandescent light hits his eyes.

But then Kurt rolls onto his side so that he's facing Blaine, and he hugs his arm around him and rests his cheek against Blaine's chest. He closes his eyes as if he's about to fall asleep, breathing in deeply, feeling warm and elated.

Blaine knows that Kurt thinks he's spending the night. But this is all so new to Blaine, being cuddled intimately and lovingly by someone he's just slept with. He's never done this before, and he's scared.

Blaine gently touches Kurt's back. "Don't you want to sleep in your own bed?"

But Kurt opens his eyes and shakes his head, his arm holding Blaine tighter.

Blaine sighs and decides to give in. He'll let Kurt stay the night, just this one time. It doesn't mean anything.

He rubs Kurt's back. "Okay. You can stay with me."

A small smile winds on Kurt's lips and he closes his eyes and settles against Blaine.

For the first time each of them falls asleep in the arms of another.

* * *

They keep seeing each other for the next few weeks, sleeping together a couple times a week, spending the night with each other and waking to a warm body in the bed next to them. They see each other almost every day of the week. They go out for drinks and Blaine tries to talk to Kurt through sign language. Sometimes Blaine signs something strange and it makes Kurt smile. Kurt always smiles when he's with Blaine. He always feels jittery and excited, and whenever Blaine isn't with him he yearns for the moment they can be together again.

He knows he's falling hard for Blaine, and he lets himself continue to fall until he's certain he's in love with him.

Kurt wants to tell Blaine how he feels. He knows they're not really together and are pretty much just friends with benefits, but he wants to be so much more than that. He wants Blaine to be his. He wants them to be together and to fall in love. Blaine makes his silent miserable life loud and exciting.

So Kurt writes a special note and brings it to the bar with him one night. He keeps it hidden in his pocket as he heads to the bar to meet Blaine, checking every so often to make sure it's still there. He meets Blaine at the bar and sits on the stool next to him, scooting it close so that their legs are touching. Blaine orders them both drinks and turns to Kurt with a smile.

"How are you, Kurt?"

Kurt smiles in response. He's so excited but nervous to give Blaine his note.

Blaine smiles back. He loves Kurt's wide smile. It's one of his favorite things about him.

"Good." Blaine stares at Kurt for a few moments. He can't let it happen. He can't let himself fall for Kurt.

Kurt decides that now he wants to give Blaine the note, just to ease his nerves and get his feelings out there. Kurt reaches into his pocket and takes out the folded paper and hands it to Blaine. He keeps his eyes locked on Blaine as he takes the note and unfolds it.

Blaine's eyes widen and his heart skips when he reads the note.

_I love you._

Blaine knows he shouldn't have done this. He shouldn't have slept with Kurt and led him on. Kurt didn't deserve that. He deserves someone who can be there for him and only him, who will love him and only him. Blaine just can't do this. He can't do love. He can't commit to one person. He really likes Kurt, may even be falling in love with him, but he can't do this.

He can't let himself love Kurt.

Blaine doesn't look up at Kurt and keeps his eyes on the familiar handwriting in front of him. Kurt notices that Blaine's smile has fallen and feels his heart drop. He puts his hand on Blaine's arm.

Blaine looks up at Kurt, into his big blue eyes. He's so sorry because he knows this is going to really hurt Kurt. He knows he's all Kurt has. He knows he's going to shatter Kurt's fragile heart. But he has to do this. He can't be with Kurt because he just can't do love, and he knows that there's a huge chance he'll fall for Kurt.

"I'm sorry. I can't do this."

Kurt silently stares at him, his cracked heart beginning to bleed.

"I can't do love. I—I just can't." He doesn't look Kurt in the eyes as he says, "I'm sorry. We—we should take a break from seeing each other." And then he gets up and leaves, upset with himself because he just left poor Kurt there sitting alone after he told him how he feels. Blaine wants to be with Kurt, he wants to love him, but he's too scared to get into all of that. He's too scared to be only committed to one person.

He leaves the bar, the note from Kurt still in his hand.

The bartender brings out the drinks and gives Kurt a sympathetic look before walking away. Kurt drinks his, hoping it'll numb his feelings, but it doesn't. He takes Blaine's drink too and downs it, but the alcohol isn't enough to numb his feelings.

Kurt walks home in the cool fall evening alone, his arms hugging himself, chilled tears running down his face. He doesn't dare look at Blaine's door when he gets to his floor. He turns his back to it and escapes into his apartment where he falls into bed.

His heart is broken. He's never had his heart broken before, and he never would have guessed how much it'd actually physically hurt. Tears race down his face as he holds himself and lets out silent sobs. All those kisses and times they slept together, Kurt thought it meant something. He should have known Blaine didn't really want to be with him.

Who would want to spend their life with a silent loser?

But Kurt doesn't want Blaine completely out of his life. Blaine is his only friend, the only person who actually wanted to spend time with him. Kurt needs him back. He can't let their friendship end. He won't stop sending Blaine his notes.

Kurt sleeps late into Saturday morning and wakes a little after noon. He showers and gets dressed before getting his notebook and writing down a new note.

_You're my best friend. I need you._

Kurt folds it up and slips it underneath Blaine's door. He spends most of his day in bed, wishing there was a way he could make the pain go away.

* * *

Blaine doesn't see the note until he gets home later, and he doesn't come home alone. Kurt has been on his mind constantly, and he needed a distraction, so he brought a guy home to fool around with for the night.

He doesn't notice the note sitting to the side of his door until after the guy has gone home. He reads the note from Kurt a few times and feels his heart sink.

He needs Kurt too.

But he just isn't ready to face him yet.

* * *

Kurt wakes in the morning with a heavy heart. He knows he needs to give up on Blaine, but if he and Blaine can't be together, then Kurt at least needs him to be there for him as a friend.

Kurt heard Blaine with the guy in the hallway last night. He saw them kiss through his peephole. He felt his heart shatter completely, and he broke down against his door in quiet cries.

Blaine doesn't care about him. He just wants someone to fool around with, someone who can make him feel good physically. Seeing Blaine with someone else made Kurt feel like a piece of abused trash, and eventually he fell asleep at the base of his door.

But Kurt can't let himself feel like that. He pulls himself to his feet and gets his notebook and writes another note for Blaine, similar to the note that he wrote for him last night.

_Please talk to me. You're my only friend._

Kurt takes a deep breath and slips it underneath Blaine's door.

Kurt takes a long, hot shower, trying to help himself relax and feel good. He makes himself some breakfast and curls up on his couch in front of the TV. He cuts into his scrambled eggs and watches the TV reception fade in and out, white noise cutting the silence of the apartment. He stares at the static screen until he finishes his breakfast.

Kurt decides to distract himself by going to the library to work on his novel. He keeps his flash drive firmly locked in his hand as he walks down the sidewalk in the early fall air.

He tries to write his story, but he can't because it hurts too much to see his characters falling in love, so he spends the remainder of his day lost in the shelves of books winding through the library, plunging himself into other lives that seem so much more exciting and adventurous than his. He keeps reading until his stomach reminds him that he hasn't eaten since morning.

He heats up a frozen meal and eats alone in silence in his apartment. He eats quietly on the couch in front of his broken TV and spends the rest of the night under a burrow of warm blankets.

* * *

A few weeks pass.

Kurt keeps leaving Blaine his notes, but nothing happens.

Kurt misses Blaine so much. He hates himself for giving him that note. It scared his only friend away, and now Kurt has no one, only his fictional characters in his novel that can no longer comfort him. Kurt is so lonely, and he honestly can't take it anymore. He doesn't know what to do.

He spends every night alone in his apartment. Sometimes he can hear Blaine and another guy laughing and stumbling down the hallway. Kurt tries to ignore it, when really it slices his heart in two and kills him even more.

* * *

Blaine misses Kurt so much. The guys he brings home are just a distraction from the ache for Kurt he's feeling. He thought hooking up with strangers would help, but it's making him miss Kurt even more. He honestly misses the times he slept with Kurt, the times Kurt would cuddle up against him in bed and hold him throughout the night. Being with Kurt felt too real and powerful. All of these strangers feel fake and meaningless.

One night Blaine comes home from the bar alone. He gets in bed and thinks about Kurt, wondering what he's doing now, if he's okay. Kurt is only a door away, but it feels as though they're an entire universe apart. He misses Kurt. He misses the sweet taste of his lips and the warmth of his skin. He misses Kurt's wide smile and sky eyes.

And then he realizes something.

He's in love with Kurt.

And he knows that once he's fallen in love with him then there's no going back.

* * *

Kurt trudges home from a long shift of tedious work. It's late in the evening and he's completely worn out. He pauses and glances back at Blaine's door and feels a stabbing jolt in his heart before entering his apartment.

He's exhausted, but he doesn't want to sleep. His mind will keep him up all night if he tries. It's been almost a month since Blaine said didn't want to see him anymore, a long month of pleading notes every morning and silent tears every night. But Kurt's so tired of it. He needs some time to himself to think this through.

He decides to take a walk. It's a cold fall night with whipping wind and chilling air. Kurt pulls his scarf over his mouth and slumps his shoulders as he walks, keeping his eyes focused on the sidewalk. He wanders wherever his feet take him, and he doesn't notice that he has drifted into the poorer section of town. Trashcans are turned over, sidewalks are cracked, buildings are decrepit and crumbling, shadowy figures lurk in the alleys. But Kurt couldn't care less. He's become so numb that he just doesn't care anymore.

But then something happens.

He lets out a silent scream when someone forces him into an alley and pulls down his scarf. They press something cold and sharp against his bare neck, the blade of a knife. Kurt can barely see who is in front of him from the orange glow of the murky streetlights, but their voice is harsh and grating.

_"Give me your money."_

But Kurt doesn't have any money on him. He stays silent, because that's honestly all he can do.

He feels his attacker push the tip of the knife into his neck, just slicing the surface of his skin, enough to let a few drops of blood trickle out.

"Give me your money or I'll _kill_ you."

Kurt closes his eyes and feels tears sting them. He can't call for help. He could fight, but this guy won't hesitate to hurt him, even murder him. Kurt just stays still and prays that his meaningless life will be spared. He doesn't want to die. He still has some dreams left, dreams of becoming an author and finding the right person to fall in love with. He still has dreams of having a happy life eventually, but his attacker has the ability to wipe out all of those dreams with the swift slice of a blade.

The attacker pushes Kurt onto the ground with a single harsh motion of his arms. Kurt lands on his stomach with a _thud_ and stays down. He rests his cheek against the cold sidewalk and closes his eyes, his heart racing, his mind praying. The attacker rolls him over and straddles his legs.

"I said give me your _goddamn_ money."

Kurt stares up at him with wide eyes. The attacker pushes his hands into all of Kurt's pockets, rolling him over, searching for any money, but finds none.

Maybe he'll let him go now. Maybe he'll spare Kurt's life.

But the attacker knows that Kurt has seen his face, and he could snitch on him, and that just can't happen. He grips the handle of the knife and stares Kurt dead in the eyes before plunging the tip of the knife into Kurt's chest, just below his heart.

And then he leaves Kurt there.

Kurt lifts his hands to clutch his chest, but it hurts too much to move, so he just lies there, staring up at the cold night sky, taking in as much air as he can. But it's so hard to breathe. His chest hurts with every breath he takes in.

He knows he doesn't have much time left. He knows no one is going to find him dying alone in this dark alley. He wishes he could see Blaine one last time. Even though Blaine doesn't love him back, just him being here would make Kurt feel less scared, because he doesn't want his last few moments on earth to be lonely and silent, when his entire life has been just that.

Kurt stays on the alley floor, taking in the night sky, savoring the few bits of life he has left.

* * *

Blaine wakes the next morning from a lonely night to the sun streaming down on his face. He thought everything over, and he knows what he wants.

He wants Kurt.

He goes over to his door, expecting to see a note from Kurt lying there, but there's nothing. His heart falls, but then he guesses that Kurt just forgot. He'll wait a little before telling Kurt that yes, he loves him back, that yes, he wants to be with him.

But a few days pass, and still, there are no notes from Kurt.


End file.
